THERE ARE ALWAYS stupid things said by politicians; it's one attribute that has always made politican so...well, charming isn't the word for it, but this is a family-access website so I'll stick to that. But certainly the 2000 presidential campaign wasn't proven any exception to this rule.
Below are quotes I've run across (some multiple times) made not only by the contenders and those closest to them, but also other related quips, queries, and outbursts related to today's political climate. All of them are quite authentic--with so much material to try making sense out of, who needs to make anything up? (Though every politician accuses his opponent of doing this, and every politician who charges this is, of course, absolutely right.)
I'm doing my best to have no partiality about my quotations, so if have some AD 1999-2003 dumb Republican, Democratic, Reform, or Green, Anarchist (would an elected Anarchist be an oxymoron?), et al sayings you'd like to pass along to me, though, just send them here. I don't discriminate when it comes to stupidity, and I like holding our representatives to what they say.
Make sure, though, that these are sincerely dumb quotes, and not just your run-of-the-mill campaign rhetoric (unless it's something stupidly obvious like George Bush or Al Gore saying they would fight "Big Oil"), or someone intentionally trying to be stupid (ala Rob Reiner at the Democratic Convention). There's not much difference, granted, but there is still a difference. (Note: a few really choice quotes may predate 1999. For the rest, check the Pundit-Pounding Archives.)
More neat stuff can be found at the bottom of this page. Now enjoy the reading, and always try to remember that a country as a whole is usually far better than those its citizens choose to represent it! . . .
QUOTES UNDER THE FOLLOWING SUBJECTS HAVE BEEN ADDED RECENTLY:
IRAQ
"The principle of a woman's right to choose governs in that case."
The next thing you know, guys on death row will be saying this is sexist.
"States should have the right to enact reasonable laws and restrictions particularly to end the inhumane practice of ending a life that could otherwise live."
Some statements should be at least partially aborted before given birth.
Time magazine's Margaret Colson on military absentee ballots from Florida, a state with no income tax (MSNBC's "Imus in the Morning," 11/8/00):
"Here we will have possibly a bunch of tax dodgers deciding the election."
Heck, it could be worse...we could end up with a draft dodger for president!
"I have made more trips to Africa than I've made to Asia."
Oops, Al! There go the Asian-American voters!
"That's why I went to Harlem, because I think I am the first black president."
They should've reported that in 1992, then--he could've gone into the history books right away.
"The tragedy of the bombing can serve to focus attention on the tragedy inflicted every day in the slaughterhouses of this country."
Are you also going to write pro-vegan letters to the families and friends of the 168 bombing victims, too?
"The most important thing I have to say to you today is that hair matters. This is a life lesson my family did not teach me [and] Wellesley and Yale Law School failed to instill: Your hair will send significant messages to those around you. What hopes and dreams you have for the world - but more, what hopes and dreams you have for your hair. Pay attention to your hair, because everyone else will."
What can I say? That speech was shear brilliance.
"In the United States Senate, one of the things I observed in the early days--and it's still used--and that is that you take someone's argument and then you misrepresent it and misstate and disagree with it. And it's very effective. I've done it myself a number of times. But eventually, eventually people catch on."
Observed in the early days of the Senate? Is this what you learned, Senator, from Henry Clay and Daniel Webster?
"Just before you settle down on the landing pad, you look upon Arlington National Cemetery...its gentle slopes and crosses row on row..."
Um, Mr. Cheney, there aren't any crosses in Arlington Cemetery. Maybe you're thinking of some other great national military cemetery close to D.C.?
"(Ashcroft) knows something about the Taliban, coming, as he does, from that wing of American politics. Even before September 11, he had moved the (Justice) Department to the far right."
I wonder if that then makes Julian Bond the attack bomber of the NAACP?
BUSH: "A fine, fine lad."
REPORTER: "You talked about the need to maintain technological..."
BUSH: "A little short on hair, but a fine lad. Yeah."
REPORTER (meekly): "I am losing some hair."
DEFENSE SECRETARY DONALD RUMSFELD: "I never would have guessed."
Maybe we can hope that along with the rest of his large someday inheritance, George W. also inherited a latent baldness gene.
"We have only one candidate--me."
Except maybe for that what's-his-name, Sharon.
"God bless most of you."
And God bless most of you too, Rev. Rockefeller! You can pick the anointed parts yourself.
"Pat Buchanan just had his gall bladder removed, so Pat Buchanan without bile will be interesting."
A reporter without bile would be a lot more interesting, don't you think, Mr. Clymer?
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers on it."
And look at all the pretty letters!
"Adios, surplus. When retired boomers dine on dog food, will they say thanks for that $600?"
Though even the Democrats' new figure for the surplus--$153 million at this writing (garnered from the Congressional Budget Office)--is still $109 million higher than Bill Clinton's most optimistic projection. Good doggy.
"I had a vision. I saw this great white light shining in the Oval Office, enveloping George Bush in its warmth. I now know George Bush is God's divine plan for us."
Either that or GWB has a heck of a nightlight.
"W, you're going to hate me when someone reads this to you (I know you're not big on books yourself). But you don't have what it takes to be president. Even your most loyal defenders say you're a few beans shy of a full burrito intellectually.
"Let's face it, Dub: you were born on third base, and you think you hit a triple. You're lighter than my grandma's biscuits."
Well hey, Paul, as long as your book isn't going to get personal.
"I understand small business growth. I was one."
Maybe that growth will go away if you rub some oil on it.
"A rip-tootin' campaign."
Well shut my mouth and stuff it with ballots!
"I know firsthand on what is wrong with the way we fund our political campaigns."
And he's demonstrated that knowledge a great deal.
"Because all the Republicans voted against it. And they controlled the Senate."
Actually, Mr. Gore, the Democrats controlled the Senate until the 1994 elections. But who's counting?
"I was looking at this woman and I was trying to figure out what was on her forehead. At first I thought you were in the earthquake (in Seattle). I realized you're Jesus freaks. Shouldn't you guys be working for Fox?"
Well, Mr. Turner, if Fox keeps trumping CNN in the ratings and CNN keeps having to lay people off, they probably will be soon, won't they?
"A supportive spouse, surprisingly accepting colleagues, and a mandate to legislate. For Sen. Clinton, life is almost perfect. If only they weren't still out to get her."
Yah, cause otherwise Hillary could get what she wanted now now now now NOW! WAH!
"In November, researchers announced that they had made the first human embryo clones, giving immediacy to warnings by religious conservatives and others that science is no longer serving the nation's moral will. At the same time, the United States was fighting a war to free a faraway nation from the grip of religious conservatives who were denounced for imposing their moral code on others."
Coming up next: Mr. Weiss' expose of religious conservatives' reaction to the evil new Star Wars film, Attack of the Clones!
"During the service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet."
That would explain why it's always changing and reinventing itself.
"How could this be a problem in a country where we have Intel and Microsoft?"
Al Gore has crashed...Blue Screen approaching.
Ditto:
"We feel, and the Defense Department feels, that problem is not going to be a problem. Of course, it can't be a problem. We won't allow it to be a problem...We're confident that it is going to be solved, but we're going to be doubly, triply and quadrupally confident that it's going to be solved before September of this year."
Elsewhere in the article he said it would be solved by 2/28/99. But a "9" does look a lot like a "2" on the calender.
"I don't think anybody can say that their spiritual life is great."
We must all be too busy trying to get the planks out of our eyes.
Now there's a show of the good old American spirit of free protest!
"Now that it's over, let's hear it for the casting director. The Republican variety show featured more women and minorities in the acts than in the delegations. If America actually looked like the convention stage, every dot-com would be run by a woman or Hispanic.
"By the time Dick Cheney and George Bush made their appearances, it was something of a shock to see that the headliners were two middle-aged white guys. But, hey, that's entertainment."
Yep...and next we got to watch the carefully choreographed and "A cabinet that looks like America" minority-parading Democratic convention which, oddly enough, is run by middle-aged white guys and picked for their presidential bid...two middle-aged white guys. Something about pots and black kettles comes to mind here.
"If legally bound to tell the truth, most people would accept the argument that Clinton had a moral right to hide his sin. (A morally defensible lie? Sure. 'Is your Daddy home, little girl? Or are you here all alone?')"
I'll have to remember that excuse if anyone ever charges me with sexual harassment.
"Since the early 1970s, the number of state prisoners has increased 500 percent, growing each year in the 1990s even as crime fell."
How about giving us the statistics on the increase in reporters who failed their basic math classes?
"I'm impressed with the growth of Applied Card Systems, with the foresight of its leadership, and the enthusiasm of its employees. I'm pleased Applied Card Systems is in Florida. It's a great partnership."
Fortunately for him, Governor Bush doesn't have a Cross-Country Bank card. See Cross-Country Bank.
"We have you surrounded by love! Come out with your hands up and your pants down!"
I hope he's practicing safe demonstration.
"ZOMBIES FOR GORE"
Now that's what I call welcoming diversity into the party.
"Anything we can do to win the war on drugs is worth doing."
Damn the Constitution, full speed ahead!
"Even if we win, I think we have a pretty good chance to win."
And even if we lose, we have a pretty good chance to spin.
"I'm not like George Bush. If he wins or loses, life goes on. I'll do anything to win."
Let's run those numbers again just for old times sake, shall we?
Monica Lewinsky's comment on the 2000 election:
"I voted for the Republicans this year. The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth."
Like eating ashes, was it?
Gov. Gray Davis (D-CA) to the editorial board of the San Diego Union-Tribune about the California energy crisis (3/02):
"This is like a war. This is worse than being in Vietnam. This is a full-out war against me...I kept the lights on. And this sounds a little presumptuous, but I think I should get a round of applause. I don't get squat."
When asked by the paper if the pricy energy contracts he made were panic reactons, Gov. Davis added, "If I didn't panic, you wouldn't be able to put out your paper. I saved this friggin' paper. I kept the lights on in this state. Do you understand that? I kept the lights on." And for good measure he added further, "You're probably looking at the last governor of California who is not a billionaire."
Gotta say it...the lights may be on, but obviously no one's home.
"If you are going to live in this country you should learn to speak English."
Is not speaking English in an English-speaking country a "cultural imperative," or just plain rude?
"When my sister and I were growing up, there was never any doubt in our minds that men and women were equal, if not more so."
Some stupid statements are equally better than others, too.
"I'm very familiar with the importance of dairy farming in Wisconsin. I've spent the night on a dairy farm here in Wisconsin. If I'm entrusted with the presidency, you'll have someone who is very familiar with what the Wisconsin dairy industry is all about."
I've spent several nights in Washington D.C. Can I be a presidential advisor now?
"Yeah, the FBI wants you to write about that rather than write about Waco."
It does seem that FBI agents got burned more than once under the Clinton administration, doesn't it?
"The U.S. Department of Agriculture is actively proposing that animal carcasses with cancers, tumors or open sores be regarded merely as unaesthetic but safe for human consumption as long as the offending part is cut away. The proposal is part of a general loosening of slaughterhouse inspection standards, whose public comment period ended Aug. 29. One critic already weighed in, saying she did not want to "eat pus from a chicken that has pneumonia," but also included as benign by the proposal are glandular swellings, infectious arthritis and diseases caused by intestinal worms."
Yum-yum!...that chicken is tumor-lickin' good!
"The fundamental question is, 'Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president, it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective."
Just do what Clinton does to be certain about something: take a poll.
"Money to prevent forest fires now ravaging the west went instead to President Clinton's prized land legacy iniative and to his new national monuments.
"Congressional and Interior Department aids confirmed the White House cut the Interior Department's request of $322 million for fire preparedness, or prevention, to $305 million this year. At the same time, the White House increased its budget request for land acquisitions from $15 million to $49 million...
"Firefighters yesterday battled 98 fires in 11 states covering 1.3 million acres, the largest in Montana and Idaho."
Wonder if any of the new acquisitions are ablaze now with more than just angry ex-landowners?
"We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech!"
And we'll silence anyone who says otherwise!
"I didn't realize I was in a Buddhist temple."
Maybe he thought he was on the set of "Kung Fu."
And here's Gore's explanation via FBI notes of why he could have missed the fact that it was a fund-raiser (3/00):
"He drank a lot of iced tea during meetings, which could have necessitated a restroom break."
Oh gimme a...well, you know.
"We elected you mayor, not Messiah."
Maybe a few thousand people punched the wrong place on the ballot again.
"We've never run into a situation like this before."
So what you're saying is that as long as Al Gore doesn't run into any unforeseen situations while he's president, he should be all right?
"There is no other cure than to kill Matt Drudge...I just want to tell everybody that Matt Drudge is smoking crack--right now, in South Miami Beach on Washington Avenue... And the authorities should know it."
So let me get this straight...O'Reilly does something stupid but it's all Drudge's fault for reporting it. So much so that O'Reilly wants to kill the messenger. Who does he think he is, anyway--Bill Clinton?
"I'm thinking to myself if we were in other countries, we would all, right now, all of us together ... would go down to Washington and we would stone Henry Hyde to death! We would stone him to death! Wait! ... Shut up! No, shut up! I'm not finished. We would stone Henry Hyde to death, and we would go to their homes and we'd kill their wives and their children. We would kill their families."
Now play nice, little Alec. You don't want Hollywood to be a bad influence, do you?
"Snipers Wanted"
Since when did CBS become such a big supporter of the 2nd Amendment?
"Look, he was running for office from a conservative southern state, maybe he had to say those things to get elected. I am sure he did not mean them."
Reassuring to know that Gore has the backbone to say whatever it will take to get elected.
"And if he continues that, I'm going to tell the nation what I think of him as a human being and a person."
Maybe while he's at it he'll tell the country, too.
"It doesn't seem like I am. No, I am serious. I'll be announcing next week something, and we'll see what happens. I hope I have your vote if I run."
Well, as long as you're sure, Mr. Trump.
"I'm delighted that I've been invited out here today to salute you, who, in my view, are doing the Lord's work."
"A united and indivisible Jerusalem as the capital of Utah."
Maybe it would just be easier to get Disneyland to move there instead?
"The Iraqi army is in such bad shape, even the Italians could kick their butts."
"I wish I were a Jew."
Well, Senator, there's still time. I'll go get the knife.
"In Los Angeles, the Democrats are changing their theme song from 'Happy Days Are Here Again' to 'Hava Nagila.'"
Will they dance to it, too?
"The prevailing logic in the Democratic camp has been, anyone who won't vote for a Gore-Lieberman ticket because Lieberman is Jewish wouldn't have voted for it in the first place."
Um, did Dan just call everyone to the Right of Rather an Anti-Semite?
"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together."
And it takes a lot of guts to be a leadership, too.
"A long waiting line before they could get a biopsy or, uh, or a uh, another kind of, what am I looking for, a sonogram or...."
The crowd helpfully shouted "Mammogram!" At least Gore knew it was gram something.
"He has certainly earned a reputation as a fantastic mayor, because the results speak for themselves. I mean, New York's a safer place for him to be."
It's just those darn other few million people you've got to worry about.
"With Hillary's victory, we're going to tell Trent Lott that he's no longer running the United States Senate ... that his dream of a Supreme Court that overturns Roe vs. Wade and an NRA that writes all gun legislation is dead, buried, gone with Hillary Rodham Clinton's victory."
Today New York, tomorrow the world!
"It takes somebody who is independent from Big Oil to take on Big Oil, and I'm independent from them."
Better not let the big oil company Occidental know that, since they've been sending contributions to Al Gore for years.
John McLaughlin, GOP pollster:
"Pandering with a purpose really creates the debate democracy runs by."
Paul Begala, former Clinton advisor:
"I always tell my clients: A man never stands so tall as when he stoops to
kiss (a rear end)."
Nice to see that democracy and integrity can still survive without substance.
"Bush Sr. was a jerk, Quayle an idiot, Clinton was atrocious and disgusting, most of those who persecuted him were hypocritical, Gore is shallow and weak, Bradley is an idealist, Bush Jr. a fool, and all of the independent candidates act like they're on drugs."
Oh don't hold back, David, tell us how you really feel!
"Let me get started about polls. Polls are always fairly unreliable because they just catch a mood, particularly when citizens haven't started concentrating [on politics]. . . . And the polls this year have produced results that are so disgraceful we should just chuck them. Or at least chuck them until after Labor Day. . . . Trying to capture the mood of a country that's paying no attention is pretty much a meaningless exercise."
That must be why they touted polls so heavily during the 1996 campaign. But it's refreshing to know how apathetic they think we silly little voters are.
Post-DNC P.S.: With Gore even or ahead in the polls, now are we supposed to pay attention to them?
"I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes."
Fools do rush in where angels fear to campaign.
Ditto (4/3/00): "I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating."
Well, politicians do like to think of the people as stupid.
"(His) daddy was president."
And Al Gore Senior tried and failed for that honor. But maybe Al Junior doesn't remember that.
"In what sounds like something from one of Ian Fleming's or George Orwell's books, President Clinton signed off on the installation of eavesdropping devices on the phones of White House staffers."
That'll certainly "tripp" up the anti-Clinton forces!
"(It) will be a connection from yourself to the electronic world. It will be your guardian, protector. It will bring good things to you...We will be a hybrid of electronic intelligence and our own soul."
While you're at it, Peter, could you e-mail me an attachment of your soul?
"I know something about creating wealth."
And you do happen to be better at it than most.
"Gore's Negro tolerance level has never been too high. I've never known him to have more than one black person around him at any given time. I'm not shocked, but I am certainly saddened by this revelation."
OK then, on a scale of 1 to 10 . . .
"Not in South Carolina."
Yes, much safer to have an opinion on the Confederacy and implied racism while you're campaigning in, say, Idaho.
"Honey, he is a white cracker."
Mmm...I think any comment I make about this one will get me in trouble, but probably not her.
"Former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke said today that he doesn't like any of the Republicans in the race, so he's considering endorsing Reform Party hopeful Pat Buchanan."
You'd have to be three sheets to the wind to want an endorsement like that.
"In the issues of December 16th 2000 to November 10th 2001, we may have given the impression that George Bush had been legally and duly elected president of the United States. We now understand that this may have been incorrect, and that the election result is still too close to call. The Economist apologizes for any inconvenience."
Just like the old saying goes: lay a million copies of The Economist end to end and they still couldn't agree on a president.
"The turkeys who got elected in the '94 Gingrich sweep."
Mr. Clymer is the reporter George W. Bush referred to as an a--hole. So then you're saying, Mr. Clymer, that calling someone a "turkey" is actually OK?
"They have no love and no joy."
Casey must be at the bat in Washington again.
"I don't think show business personalities should get involved publicly and show their feelings because that ends up working against them. That's why I stay discreet about these questions in America, but, no matter what, it would be a catastrophe for the whole world if George Bush is elected."
And as we all know, France isn't part of the whole world.
"The Democrats think of the elephant as bungling, stupid, pompous and conservative."
Oops...you don't want to get PETA mad at you, now do you?
"Because it's not their money."
How silly of us to think that schools know what is most needed in their own districts.
"The unified field percolates infant universes at the rate of 10 to the 143rd per cubic centimeter per second."
Interesting notion, except there is no unified field theory yet. I think Mr. Hagelin is a little universe all to himself.
"This will be the first campaign an African-American woman ran to victory...I'm like the eighth wonder of the world."
I'm assuming she's not talking about her size here.
"There's not going to be enough people in the system to take advantage of people like me."
I'm sure a few will find their way to your door.
"He is proposing to privatize a big part of Social Security and he's proposing to take $1 trillion, a million billion dollars out of the Social Security trust fund and give it as a tax incentive to young workers."
Actually a trillion is one thousand billion, not one million billion. But as the Congressman once said, a billion here and a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking about real money.
"When my opponent, Governor Bush, says he'll appoint strict constructionists to the Supreme Court, I often think of the strictly constructed meaning that was applied when the Constitution was written--how some people were considered three-fifths of a human being."
So will whips and chains become standard Supreme Court judge issue along with the robe?
"I wasn't able to justify it."
Well, governor, maybe you just weren't thinking hard enough.
"We could give it all back to you and hope you spend it right...But...if you don't spend it right, here's what's going to happen. In 2013 -- that's just 14 years away -- taxes people pay on their payroll for Social Security will no longer cover the monthly checks...I want every parent here to look at the young people here, and ask yourself, 'Do you really want to run the risk of squandering this surplus?' "
Apparently Mr. Clinton thinks that ordinary Americans have the same spending habits as Congress.
Presidential candidate Al Gore to American Spectator:
"I introduced the very first free TV legislation."
Not including, of course, the 100-plus free TV bills introduced in Congress since 1960.
Rep. James Inhofe (R-OK) on Israelis being divinely "entitled" to the West Bank and why God allowed the terrorist attacks of September 11th to happen (Senate floor, 3/02):
"One of the reasons I believe the spiritual door was opened for an attack against the United States of America is that the policy of our government has been to ask the Israelis, and demand it with pressure, not to retaliate in a significant way against the terrorist strikes that have been launched against them."
Americans "seem to believe that terrorism is the greatest threat" to the United States and becoming more widespread. "And they almost certainly have the impression that extremist Islamic groups cause most terrorism...None of these beliefs are based in fact," he said, citing worldwide facts and figures that conclusively proved his point. "The greatest risk is clear. If you are drilling for oil in Colombia--or...Ecuador, Nigeria or Indonesia -- you should take appropriate precautions; otherwise Americans have little to fear." Terrorism is around of course, he said, but while nukes "are still aimed across the continents, terrorism is not the biggest security challenge confronting the United States, and it should not be portrayed that way."
"Many families have been devastated tonight. This is just not right. They did not deserve to die. If someone did this to get back at Bush, then they did so by killing thousands of people who DID NOT VOTE for him! Boston, New York, D.C. and the planes' destination of California--these were places that voted AGAINST Bush!"
Maybe next time the terrorists should take a voter-on-the-street survey, then?
"Prohibited inside are animals, oversized backpacks, balloons, beverages, chewing gum, electric stun guns, fireworks or firecrackers, food, guns or ammunition, knives with blades over three inches or eight centimeters, mace, nunchakus, smoking, or suitcases."
Now if they could just prohibit politicians and lobbyists from going inside, then it would be safe.
"I certainly learned a great deal from 3,000 town hall meetings across my home state of Tennessee over a 16-year period."
That works out to about one meeting every other day, including holidays, weekends, etc. It's amazing he had the time to do any legislating. Or maybe he created the Internet so he could watch them online?
"Listen, he doesn't like my show. That's fine. It just shows he has good taste."
Makes me want to wash my hands. Who knows where that show's been?
RUSSERT: "Who would you rather have a beer with, George Bush or Al Gore?"
VENTURA: "Both of them, so I could knock both their heads together."
Especially after a few beers, ay?
"The best way to solve problems is to not have enemies."
America doesn't have any enemies--they're just misunderstood.
"I come from a country that was conquered so I know how the Japanese and Germans feel."
I wonder if Ted still has the pardon printed for him at Appomattox?
"The city of Satan."
I don't know, the Smithsonian Museums aren't so bad.
MATTHEWS: "You've called for the retraction of some of the tax cuts
for people making over $130,000. That would include all of the United States
Senate and members of the U.S. Congress. Do you believe that everybody who
works in the bodies of Congress is wealthy because of the salary they draw?"
KENNEDY: "I wouldn't use the term 'wealth', but I understand people
are sacrificing today."
The itemized list of Ted's sacrifices will be displayed during the next 2 am Congressional vote.
Senator John Kerry on the Don Imus show, describing former Republican governor Bill Weld:
"A guy who takes more vacations than people on welfare."
Britt Hume on the Fox News Channel commenting on Rep. Dick Gephardt's (D-MO) statement that "working families" means anyone who works:
HUME: "If you work at all? So George W. Bush's family, that's a working
family, right?"
GEPHARDT: "I think so."
HUME: "And Bill and Hillary Clinton, the first family, they work, right?"
GEPHARDT: "I think so."
HUME: "Now, is there an income limit?"
GEPHARDT: "No, no income limit."
HUME: "So you could be extremely rich, but as long as you still work, so
Steve Forbes' family is a working family?"
GEPHARDT: "Working is good."
It's heartening to see Democrats joining the fight to protect the working rich.
IN DEVELOPMENT: Criminal records for current and recent members of Congress.